Oh you mean the world cup is a real thing?

fucking LOVE Bukowski…a drunk and a warrior-poet…already 75% of the way towards being a swimmer.

-Charles Franklin Kettering

At West Side, among the 74 other commandments of how “things will be”, I have a policy that swimmers will arrive on time or be asked to leave, especially on Fridays when the pool is opened 10 minutes early. It provides great fodder for other clubs where people are free to roam in at any time and leave as they see fit. I always hear how “that would be impossible at our club” and similar phrases when talking with swimmers from other teams. I usually just respond by saying that no two programs are alike and I leave it at that.

So here is an email from a swimmer who was one of two dismissed after arriving late yesterday. Because of the dead-on balls accuracy of the email, I thought I would share it to provide some additional perspective.

“Come Hell or High Water there’s ZERO tolerance for tardiness at West Side!

Even with a record setting 200-year-flood which shuts down road access to the pool – if your route involves crossing the Sudbury River – and because of the detours, turns a 15 minute drive into ONE HOUR at 5:00am – even though you left home HALF-AN-HOUR early in order to show up on deck on time – the zero tolerance policy for tardiness stands firm – you are kicked out of practice! This is one hard ass club. Most people don’t understand, but then again, most people don’t swim for West Side!”

It’s not a democracy, it’s a CHEER-ocracy.

Respek!

“Discovery mourns the loss of dear friend and colleague Captain Phil Harris. He was more than someone on our television screen. Phil was a devoted father and loyal friend to all who knew him. We will miss his straightforward honesty, wicked sense of humor and enormous heart. We share our tremendous sadness over this loss with the millions of viewers who followed Phil’s every move. We send our thoughts and prayers to Phil’s sons Josh and Jake and the Cornelia Marie crew.”

From Jake and Josh Harris:

“It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad — Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end. For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down. We will remember and celebrate that strength. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.”

From Thom Beers, executive producer of “Deadliest Catch”:

“Captain Phil Harris was one of the cornerstones of Deadliest Catch since the series premiered. He believed without risk there was no reward, and he allowed us to document his extraordinary life on the Bering Sea. I am forever grateful for his passion about his work, and his direct sense of humor and irony. Phil gave us a remarkable gift during the past six seasons with Original Productions, and became an extraordinary friend. We will miss him.”

Picture 1 – “Before”

Picture 2 – “After”

“I am sad to leave the world of swimming which has given so much back to me, but at the same time I have realized that after sacrificing so many years of my life to the sport, I really missed out on some awesome shit.”

Phelps went on to describe how many parties and how many opportunities to get laid he missed out on because he had to get up at 5am and swim.

“Like there was this one time…I mean I don’t know it could have been at least 7 women, they all wanted to go to bed with me at the same time but I said ‘Sorry ladies…can’t do it…gotta swim 12k at morning workout tomorrow’”.

The swim world will have to begin to look for its next superstar and hopefully can find one to fill the void left by Phelps. Rumor has it that scientists from Cal-Tech have extracted sperm from Phelps and already started training it in a miniature pool in order to prepare it for the 2032 Olympics which are being held in Newark, NJ.

THE DAYTONA 500

somebody said something about some stupid-ass holiday this weekend with hearts and crap? forget THAT!….West Side’s own Mr. Casey Mears will be in the old number Aught-7 and is starting in the 22nd spot…right where we like it. Dont miss it!!! 3:30 on FOX.

Now Kellogg’s, using whatever infinite wisdom a company that makes sugar bombs has, has dropped their sponsorship of Phelps. Kellogg’s? That’s funny. My kids eat Kellogg’s cereal, as do I, and the last thing any of us are thinking about at 7 in the morning is where we can score some crystalline herbal goodness for the day. You could put fucking Snoop Dogg on the cover of Frosted Flakes and chances are I wouldn’t even notice, let alone get a jones for blowing a fat tube. And USA Swimming, perpetrators of the “LAZR suits don’t make swimmers faster, it’s their training” myth, has suspended Phelps from competition for 3 months. Yawn.

The meltdown has begun, as I predicted on this very site and it’s only a matter of time before Phelps is involved in his next debacle. The next one will be an absolute doozy…I am predicting car accident or shooting himself in the leg…you heard it here first.

Sidenote…based on my own personal experience…Phelps is going through the same syndrome that every hard-training college swimmer ever went through. It’s the “I just swam my ass off for 12 years and am completely socially inept and now I have nothing to do so I am going to party my ass off until I do something really stupid” syndrome.

By the way, I am categorizing this one as a shout-out to Mike cause I bet with those lungs he is able to pull one helluva tube.